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LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

For everything that doesn't belong elsewhere.
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harrymuphs
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LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

Ugly Bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

(something i would do lmao!)
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@ob
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by @ob »

:rofl: sweet!! lmao thats great :lol:
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harrymuphs
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

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Unknown_Terror
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by Unknown_Terror »

:rofl: They are funny jokes, i'm usually quite cynical, but i can make an exception for these :lol:
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"To Live a Perfectly Normal life, You Must Accept The Fact That Life Will Never Be Normal"
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The_Bollocks
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by The_Bollocks »

They're fucking hilarious! Well done!

1982 Ford Escort Mk3 1.3 L (restoration project)
1990 Nissan Micra K10 L (my first car, currently in long term storage)
1995 Ford Escort Mk6 1.3 CL (current everyday car)
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harrymuphs
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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ApeX__
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by ApeX__ »

:rofl:
Haha Fuck you Kitteh
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Powdered Toast MAAAN!!
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by Powdered Toast MAAAN!! »

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are walking down a beach one day when the americsn stumbles over something in the sand. It's a magic lamp! He picks it up and gives it a rub. Sure enough a genie appears before their very eyes! "I will grant you each one wish for setting me free." says the genie. So up steps the american. "I want me a truck!" he says. Sure enough a brand new monster truck with gator hide seats, gold plating and stars and stripes paint scheme appears before him. he hops in and drives away. The frenchman, angry with the colour shemoe of the truck and the fact that the american seems to be far more patriotic than himself decides to help out his country. "I want a mile high 200 foot thick impenetrable concrete wall surrounding my beloved france" he spouts. The genie claps, and sure enough, it is done. The frenchman, magically transported home, marvels at his gift to his country. The Englishman steps up to the genie and says "tell me more about this wall." "Well," says the genie, "It's concrete, impnetrable, 200ft thick, a mile high and surrounds the entire country of france. What will be your wish"

"Fill it up with water."
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Evil Blarg
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by Evil Blarg »

Three guys are sitting on top of a skyscraper having a couple of beers. Which is what guys in jokes do. So eventually, after quite a few drinks, one guy says: "You know, the updrafts around these skyscrapers are so strong, you can walk off the edge and get blown back up again."

"Bullshit." the second guy goes.

"It's the truth!" The first guy steps over the edge, seems to fall for a second, but then elegantly floats back up.

"See?"

"Wow! I wanna try that." the second guy goes and he steps over the edge. Plummets right to his death.

The third guy grins and goes: "Damn, you're a mean drunk, Superman."
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ApeX__
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by ApeX__ »

"Fill it up with water." YES! :rofl:
Haha Fuck you Kitteh
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harrymuphs
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

lmfao ^



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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ApeX__
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by ApeX__ »

:shock: :rofl:
Haha Fuck you Kitteh
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harrymuphs
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
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Powdered Toast MAAAN!!
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by Powdered Toast MAAAN!! »

Nice. I got one.

Two cops are sitting in their patrol car outside a bar notorious for encouraging drink driving. Sure enough, closing time comes around and the bar begins to empty. One car starts by being over revved, then full beam headlights come on followed by hazard signals. The electric windows are constantly on the move too. The car backs up into a civic, then lurches forward over a verge, finally steering out onto the highway.

The cops pounce on it.

The car pulls over and the cops interview the man behind the wheel.

"You know why we stopped you, you're blind drunk behind the wheel of a motorvehicle."

"you better watch those allegations." The man replied.

"blow into this sir."

The man blows into the breathalyser. It comes back clean. No alcohol on his breath at all.

"Wha..."

The cops are stumped. Everybody else has left the bar. It's just them and this man, who offers up an explanation to the cops.

"I'm the designated decoy."
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harrymuphs
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Re: LAFF UR AZZ OFF!!!

Post by harrymuphs »

AH HA HA HA HA! I gotta try that! ^

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
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